What makes life stressful? What drives you nuts?
NUTS turns out to be a great representation. Dr. Sonia Lupien, a neuroscientist and director of Centre for Studies on Human Stress explains NUTS standing for Novelty, Unpredictability, Threat to the ego, and Sense of (low) control. When there is a new experience, when we’re unsure what might happen, concerning our safety or capability, or feeling we have little or no control over the situation, we get anxious and stressed. Especially the sense of control is probably the most stressful of all and debilitates a person to even try.
According to a working paper from the National Scientific Council on the Developing Child at Harvard University, there are 3 kinds of stress:
- Positive stress: motivates children and adult to grow, take risk, and perform at a high level.
- Tolerable stress: if occurs for brief time, accompanied by recovery time and supported by caring adults, children can also build resilience.
- Toxic stress: severe, frequent, or prolonged stress without support leave scars and impact mental and physical health.
What can we do about the stress?
In short, Agency—which is what Stixrud and Johnson build their book around.
I came across a community presentation by Dr. William Stixrud, a clinical psychologist and Ned Johnson, a test prep professional. I was impressed by their easy-going stage presence and ability to make a ‘stressful’ topic enjoyable and easy to digest for people without a clinical background. I read their book, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives (Penguin Books).
The book is informative and practical: It first explains the brain science, how to cultivate a healthy brain, then give parents useful tips to be consultants supporting their kids’ development.
- On the brain science, whether you like the bigger picture (executive control system, stress response, motivation, and resting state) or biological terms (prefrontal cortex, amygdala, dopamine, hippocampus)—it all helps to understand a bit more in our heads. I especially appreciate that Dr. Dan Siegel uses thumb and 4 finger closed over the thumb to show and explain to children what happens inside their brain when they get stressed.
- Exercise, sleep, healthy diet, radical downtime, let our mind wander, and mindfulness/ meditate contribute to healthy brain.
- Perhaps the biggest differentiator for parents is the belief and action to show their children “It’s your call”. I have confidence in your ability. I’m here to support you in building self-motivation, develop skills to figure out your path, and deal with the obstacles along the way. The book provides many stories that parents and children can relate to and tips that parents can experiment and adjust to their context.
For all of us, it reminds our responsibility and choices—agency: no matter our age, genetics, or economic condition, there are multiple options that we can choose and change if it doesn’t go as we expect. Life isn’t a narrow one path. There are many ways to your destination and we often don’t know until we try. Also, just like planting a tree, the best time to start was years ago but the second best time is now. Whether it’s to exercise more, sleep earlier, let our mind wander, learn to meditate, or go to nature, we all can try and improve, possibly find new joy, develop skill, and enhance relationship.
Inspired by the book, I decided to try Transcendental Meditation (TM) and learn dancing. I’ve signed up for a TM intro session and found a local dance studio through a friend.
What do you want to learn? Or do things differently?
Yes, you can—You can learn. You can get better. You can develop and maintain a healthier brain and live a responsible, joyful, and fulfilled life!
Book Reference:
Stixrud, William and Johnson, Ned, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives. Penguin Books.
Part of the Growing Up Well series — Building Heads, Hearts, and Futures